breaking Mary's Hart

I have to apologize on the behalf of my friend, Ramsey (Nasser), for him not being able to post these past couple of days; he’s been busy. I also have to apologize for posting my hateful posts for the past couple of days (I could give a fuck-less) and if you didn’t enjoy them LEAVE NOW if not then sit back n relax and let my hate take you over…

“Entertainment Tonight! The most watched entertainment news channel in the world!” sound familiar? Its those mannequin-like hosts of Entertainment Tonight(ET). Well, I decided since me and Ramsey shit on many…things. Entertainment-type things like shows, actors, ads, etc. so WHY NOT just attack the home base? You can kill as many soldiers as you like but if they don’t have an officer or a base to take orders from then they all fall (I made this saying on the spot, for more information contact me at +961 334 8898). And who else to shit on but Entertainment Tonight! (and the exclamation mark is there) and instead of beading around the bush I decided to stick it to em and go straight to the commander in chief… Mary Hart.

Now you might know mary as the all-american lookin host of ET (you might think Extra Terrestrial by lookin at her eerie features); shes got the long, straight hair, the perfect smile and the oh-my-god-i-want-to-wither-up-and-die witty punch lines. “Well Mark I think King Kong will be a King size blockbuster this summer!” “you got that right mary…now, richard simmons tells us the tragic story of hurricane Katrina and his lost home…” im sorry! When was that transition made!? Was I not informed? It’s the most unbalanced show I have ever seen, they talk about anything from extreme make-overs to new blockbusters to the gossip in their neighborhood. You want to NOT make my mind implode?!

ACTUAL HAPPENING:

Mark: “well im here on the set for Matrix Revolutions and I’m noticing some big guns mary and im pointing them all at you.”
Mary: “haha, well mark I might have some guns of my own that you don’t know about.”

Do you think youre smart?! You MUST think youre the shit. if that’s the best you can come up with than I don’t wanna see you on a bad day! A Child Called It comes up with wittier lines than you.

I bet your asses ANYTHING that mary n mark hate each other behind the scenes…
“aaaaand cut!”
“mark you wanna grab a drink?”
“mary you wanna grab on my NUTSACK?!”
“no! thanks for the offer mark! Ive had enough lookin at your sack, it droops out of your pants, you old fart!”
“I wish you didn’t talk about your face like that mary! Its not good for your self confidence!”
“well I wish YOU DIDN’T EXIST YOU GOAT-FUCKING-MOUNTAINBIKE-RIDING-HOMOSEXUAL-PRIMATE!”
“WELL YOU SHOULD STOP STANDING UNDER THESE LIGHTS YOUR FISHERPRICE FACE MIGHT MELT MARY!”
“4,3,2,1…”
“and we’re back! Next up, we explore brad pitt’s new movie where he plays a witty spy… well, we better start calling him brad wit!”

diiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee.


(Left: lion in mating season/mary hart in the 80’s. Right: mary hart 3000)

mary hart SURELY went under the knife SEVERAL times…the above images look like after/before pictures and not the other way around. ET (Entertainment Termination) is having their 25 years anniversary. SHE’S BEEN THERE ALL 25 YEARS. Unless she started her career at the age of FIVE and turned 30 recently there is NO WAY some expensive body lotion helped her look that young. Mary, honey, I KNOW you went under SEVERAL knives but deep inside your heart (and soul) is older than pope john paul II. The day mary’s sickening smile is wiped off I will make love to a chimpanzee and ENJOY it.

Those over exaggerated expressions making her look like those damn emoticons on msn makes me sick to my stomach, the “aw’s” and “oh’s” make me want to pierce her head with a blunt gardening tool…struttin around in her revealing skirts. Give it up mary youre not tina turner! ET’s (Everyday Torture) crew can only do so much with make up mary but we see your worn out legs shaking the moment you step on that bright spotlight that seems to melt the dye right off your hair.

ET (Elements of Treachery) need to step their game up and FIRE the clever-talkin-dinosaur and replace her with a young, educated woman who DOESN’T HAVE TO BE WITTY FOR YOU TO LIKE HER! And whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned funny people? They outta style now?

Well lets me put it this way…mary you show your face around here lets just say il turn your Hart into oh-my-god-i-think-im-dying-a-very-slow-and-painful-death.

How’s that for a witty punchline?

Tags: entertainment, /entertainment tonight/, ET, mary hart, television, random