wild sweepin'

The winter Olympics are underway so in that spirit I decided to piss on a winter sport. Why? Cuz piss-stained ice looks funny.

I introduce to you…

CURLING

This activity (I refuse to call it a sport) includes marbles, mops and a bunch of Scandinavians. The purpose of this “sport” is to put as many stones as you can in the middle of a circle drawn on ice.

How thrilling.

This event includes mental stability, precision and athleticism I LIED THERE ARE ZERO ATHLETES. If you call marbles sliding on ice an exercise then you are an obese individual.

Don’t question your vision. Don’t call the local operator, for you see right; Those are actual grown men sweeping. Its part of the “sport.” They are the sweepers, they sweep the path the stone goes along to lower the friction between ice and stone so it could go faster. Why doesn’t the thrower just throw the stone faster? Cuz men need an excuse to mop the floor.

Fuckin sport my ass.

When ones asked about ones profession does one proudly say sweeper? i SWEEP for a living, but no. I am nor Indian nor a maid but hey! I like to fuckin sweep floors and air it on tv and trick everyone into thinking it’s a sport.

im an athlete.

YOURE A LIAR!

Its nothing to be proud of. You don’t tell your son his daddys a sweeper. You don’t have ‘proud to be sweepin’ bumper stickers on your cars (unless youre Canadian). ‘oh sorry honey cant wash the dishes tonight, im sweepin tomorrow’ u cant do that! they might as well create Extreme Ironing. You iron in the air, under water and on any possible terrain you can imagine! and youre disqualified if you mom does it for you.

I hate the universe.

An average game of curling lasts about 2:30 hours. Whyyyyyyy would you pay money to watch marbles slide across ice for 3 hours?! Whyyyyyy would you pay money to watch grown ass men sweep that ice?!...for three hours. For those three hours I can make booger art on a wall. And whoever invented this sport, it is my desire to proclaim you dead.

Oh and if you use foul language the commission suspends you.

?!?!?!

Whats a sport without a little language!?!?! Golf. And now curling.

Curling. CURLING. Where do you curl? in what part of the sport does ‘curling’ occur? I understand basketball, u have a ball and a hoop that resembles a basket. Football, u have a ball and u strike it with your foot. ITS SELF EXPLANATORY. Curling, you curl…things. NO U DONT. u let things sliiiiiide then wipe the floor…like a little bitch.

Visit curlingbasics.com they show you animations of how curling is played.

How exhilarating.

I don’t like the universe much.

Tags: olympics, /winter olympics/, sweeping, sports, random